on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
