At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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