her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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