Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
