Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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