When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
