I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
