I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
