I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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