She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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