Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
