For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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