She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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