Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Will you blow on my dice?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
