1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
