Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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