My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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