Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
