Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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