I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
