Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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