Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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