Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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