can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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