Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
