Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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