i used baking grease as lip gloss
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
