You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
