Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
