The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
