Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
