JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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