I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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