His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
