I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
