just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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