I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
