oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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