Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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