I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Randomize
