bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
