Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
