The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
