when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
