party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
