even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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