Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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