and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
