yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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