my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
